I’ve Opened Myself To Serial Killers… a series (ep. 17)

“You’re thinner than you are in your pictures.. I’m not really into that”

Yup, that happened. I finally found a guy worth socially distance dating face to 6 feet of space with and he was unimpressed cause I appeared THINNER than my profile and he was “not really into” me, it, this wagon that I am draggin! (Lol! Let me have it!!)

What is my life y’all! It took me to lose weight to get rejected. This would’ve never happened to fatter Courtney!

Ya girl is back like she never left and swiping in a whole new area.. the Midwest! Home of the “you want a massage?” But no distribution of Massage Envy gift certificates. (Super side eye)

Before we get into it the ONLY person that followed into this edition is Mr AA.. is that what we named him? Can we just call him Dante now? There is not much to say about him. He has all the words and none of the commitment. Like most the men I come across he likes me, but does he cause if so wouldn’t he be more intentional w his communication. Meh.

Now to what you’ve been waiting for…

First there is Simon! That’s his real name. I tell you his real name because it baffles me that a man named Simon could be as aggressive as he was! He was super sweet on the app and quickly wanted to transition to my text. I allowed it cause this season of Courtney is more open to the feature of “blocking.” He immediately requested FaceTime to which I agreed.

His pictures were all from the chest up and the FaceTime revealed that was the case because Simon was built like a Christmas tree. I don’t have hips! There is no way that I’m going to have a man with hips that put mine to shame but I didn’t want to immediately disqualify him so I gave the conversation a chance.

Simon was from New York and a school teacher. He enjoyed his job and the slower life that the Midwest provided. Living in the Midwest had not reduced his forwardness as he began questioning me about relationships, my dedication towards him. When did I plan on deleting the app and why I needed to commit to him immediately as a sign of loyalty (whispers to myself… on a first call…)

*BLOCK*

Guys, it’s episode seventeen. I am no longer coddling feelings.

Ohhh and then there is Mr. “I work for the CIA.” Now, we have all watched enough crime shows to know that a person who works for the CIA is not showing you a picture of his business card and this swipe became an adventure for me as I wanted to smoke out this catfish!

He was an absolute jerk! He attempted to impress me and I was as underwhelmed as one can be. One of his flexing lines “I only date girls with 401K’s.” Well. Okay so you start w the basics lol!? He pushed for me to see him and after I chose the location and agreed to make the commitment – calling his bluff cause I had time that day, he chickened out and unmatched me!

Lame!

There’s also Mr. Personality. He was such a sweetheart, well at least in the forty eight hours of messaging we had before a mutual friend that he had matched with as well asked me to disconnect. He was an engineer living in Kansas with way too much time on his hands proven by the way he engaged with me and somehow also she. He was more her type facially and she requested to speak to him solely which was cool with me only for him to reveal that he had a wife!

Quiet as it’s kept I saw that coming. He was a Ghanaian man living in Parsons Kansas. The only thing placing a Ghanaian man in that area was a white wife with a farming family! That’s just facts… geographically.

I had an accidental date with a guy from LA. This was my fault. I’m friendly. He was alone. He needed a friend. We have nothing in common and everything at the same time! The conversation was so great and we ended up chilling for hourrrrs! I’m smiling right now thinking about how much of a great time we had!

He works in IT and has a couple startups created and sold under his belt (heres looking at you Dante) We look towards Dante because it takes me back to the personality that likes me to my face. But just my face!

My love language is gifts, not cause I like stuff but because I know you thought of me when I wasn’t there. Like (tears) you be thinking of me!! And these personality types DONT! I feel like I may have to force myself to adapt to these types of men cause lately that’s all that are attracted to me but this one

Smelled like a Braum’s burger. Extra Braum’s sauce and onions.

I’m not a horrible person! It could’ve been a fluke so I didn’t exclude him because of this just once! On another occasion we were at Target and had a friendly conversation about natural deodorant and how some people seem to walk in a cloud of funk.

I nicely told him it wasn’t working and he laughed and told me that it does and that I should switch over too!! He didn’t believe me! HE DIDN’T BELIEVE ME! as I walked next to him at riiiight about arm pit level… surrounded by must.

Then, turns out that everyone we’ve met secretly refers to him as “the one who stinks.” One friend asked if I could not bring him around cause she gets headaches…

That is right in line with dating the peepee boy and I cannot!

I CANNOOOOOOT!

I was giving up on this but I feel like I just have to keep going!

“LORD IF YOU OUT OF HUSBANDS JUST SAY THAT!”

Y’all don’t have nobody in your family that’s perfect for your girl!?

This swipe game crazy!

StarringCourtny

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