What doesn’t kill me…

Do you know how hard it is to find a bridge in Chicago that doesn’t have water under it?

Hard

I tried! The first bridge was too near a friends school and I would feel terrible adding a bad memory to his experience so I kept looking.

I walked well past downtown looking for a height that I could fall from that would allow me to plummet to my death and rid myself of these tormenting thoughts and each and every freaking one that I could get access to had water underneath.

I remember chuckling cause… I’m a strong swimmer. Jumping from a crazy height into a pool of water for me ain’t nothing but a good time. I’d be pissed that I dropped my phone if anything but hella alive.

See God delivered me from the spirit of suicide and allows me to rationalize through it. That doesn’t mean that the thoughts don’t sometimes attack and taunt me. It doesn’t free me from the battle with the idea. Gods deliverance allows me to win the battle every time against it.

Doesn’t mean it ain’t hard. I just know that I’ll win. I believe I will win.

I believe fully that God delivered me and this is why I win in this area.

But what happens when something pulls up on me that is stronger than my beliefs. When my knowledge can be superseded by belief from experience.

See I know God can heal me,

I know God can deliver me from trash thoughts,

I know that He will provide for all my needs and more

I don’t know that He will provide the desires of my heart. This allows a breakdown in my belief.

I don’t have a healthy, happy ending to this for you or for me in that matter.

I encourage you, like me, to just hold on to what you’ve got.

My life is like a movie – even when it’s a one woman melodrama

Starring Courtny

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