The Realist S#!t I Ever Wrote.

I decided to finally go ahead and kill myself.

I don’t say that to sensationalize the post or cause you to want to continue to read. I say it cause if I don’t get it out now.. I’ll talk myself out of saying it. Or I may change it to I just wanna disappear and be alone. Take a flight and never be seen again. All code words for..

I’m about to get me.

This stress is simply sticking to my tummy completely annihilating my weight goals and literally killing me.

And now as an adult I can finally swallow pills so I could do it easier this time.. at least that’s what I tell myself cause at four pills my body says that’s enough and we just throw up for a few minutes.

Puking is annoying.

I have matching scars from the first attempt at 16 and after waking from the pain and getting a whoopin for acting like I have “white people problems” I’d never do that again.

Being a Strong Black Woman Is Killing Me. Oh what I’d give for white tears! (I literally shook my fist with this!) To be able to safely have feelings of full vulnerability.

I have adapted to the notion that it’s my job to get shit done. To be the strong one. The responsible one. The one you can depend on. The brave one. The inspiration. Always making good choices and helping you along the way.

There’s no space for personal problems when you are the one.. for everyone and no one is for you. Realistically.

And then the ones you choose for you are so busy with themselves that you feel even lonlier even though you’re constantly surrounded by people who like you but have never met… you. Because you’re so busy being everything they need.

I blame myself. For somewhere believing the narrative that places everyone before me. For having a faith that keeps me holy but only good to pray for your needs.

The responsibility is suffocating. I just clown around.. happily while inside I’m suffering. Accomplishing goals happily while crying myself to sleep.

Believe it or not this post is more about God’s glory than me. Cause as hard as I try God won’t let me get me.

He reminds me that these are simply feelings and that He holds all glory. He drives me home late at night when I purposely sleep. He makes my body reject the poison I attempt to feed into me. He positioned me in a place where once a month I get hug after hug after hug after hug at a meeting from people who want absolutely nothing from me.

He reminds me that death is not what is freeing. That the life He has given me is where I find relief. And change. And love. And worth. And promise.

And eventually I will be comfortable enough with me.

I own this depression. It does not own me and it would be selfish never to share this because I cannot be the only one secretly struggling.

Get help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255


6 Replies to “The Realist S#!t I Ever Wrote.”

  1. Court……

    Penned perfectly. Thoughts clear.
    Honesty out the wazoo! Exposes the expectations of the 1) Black, 2) Christian, and 3) the extroverted personality.

    I need this realness for next phase of GG community. Let’s chat!

    Oh yeah… Don’t ever delete this. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Courtny!!! OMG I’m wondering if this is for real or just a message that somehow sent by telekinesis!!! I am back girl that grew up to be a black woman…I am not trapped in a body…well yes I am. It’s a body that has been inflicted with excruciating pain. It’s almost funny how the superstar of this program sounds somewhat like me! Lol🤔 I 1am that person that continues to give every ounce of my being to everyone – every minute – every second of the day and when night falls and it’s sleepy time – all that comes before me in the darkness…is loneliness…feeling like I don’t belong to anything…or to anyone… and then somehow the enemy adds to the pressure.
    So yep, it’s this thing called lack of worthiness & it’s this thing taking over the loneliness taking over the depression because…WHY? Hmmm, your faith has become less than a mustard seed. Oh yes, I know only too well how good my God is.
    So, hmmm…then the struggle! Why?
    Ok, so God said I am lonely I’ll make me a man & from the man he created a woman! So if God can be lonely…Me? I’m thinking now it’s time to go way down deep inside and I’m asking…”Lord! (Knowing that I should NOT question His perfect…will)- I ask the Lord, with all these people around me why am I still alone?” Now…without even going to that deep dark place the tears begin to fall… the heart begins to hurt…the mind is so full of clutter! The mind hears aaallll sorts of foolishness… why do you think God loves you… what makes you stay worried? With your faith; who do you believe? And what is your journey-Oh, can you reach the end of your journey or better yet)…do you think that there is a good end to this journey?
    So miss Courtny, this Dash of my life…this lonely legacy…this obituary that says…
    HER SUNRISE…WHERE SHE NEVER FELT THE RAYS OR WHERE SHE COULDN’T BARE THE LIGHT FROM BURNING HER EYES…SO SHE WAITED IMPATIENTLY FOR HER SUNSET, WHICH TOOK FOREVER AND WITH THE WAIT…She made others laugh while inside she cried or she tried her best to comfort any and everyone that entered her space; while she remained uncomfortable… while she remained lonely… But more important… while she yearned for the same treatment!
    Awwww yeah, the sunset that took a lifetime to come; the sunset that she yearned for one day would come and ohhhhh-boy the broken heart full of loneliness and in her despair waiting No suicide because the life is already full of the world’s poison…yep, when the sunsets PRAY that there will be peace…
    Courtny,.. is there room in “The Realist” to have a Co-star?
    #lostandloneysucks #muststayPrayerful #lovemesomeCourtny!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I felt every ounce of passion in this comment and I am mad that I want notified that I received it so I could have thanked you a month ago!! Yes yes YES!! I understand and relate all too well!! We need ppl that allow us to be the ppl that we serve but we serve so well they do t realize that we need.. so we just continue healing whole broken.. oh friend!! Yes I could absolutely use a co star in this space!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: