I’ve Opened Myself To Serial Killers… a series (ep. 15)

I can hear Snoh Aalegra singing the lyrics to “I want you around” as I write this.

We can get away
Palm trees, beach views
Ordinary day
All I wanna hear is Innervisions on replay
And sit right next to you, you
I try not to show how I feel about you
Thinkin’ we should wait, but we don’t really want to
I just wanna get away
And sit right next to you, you

Mr. All American asked me to send him some songs that he could practice dancing to and this was one of the first ones. Not just because its such a smooth beat and makes easy for a beginner in this thing called swing but because the lyrics seemed to resonate.

This chapter is all about Mr. All American. 

Its not often that I find myself wanting to spend my time with too many people. Goodness, I live in a house with two roommates whom I adore however will walk right past to the beauty and peace in the space I’ve created in my room.

Like this song coming to an end. I feel that his story may as well.

Lets talk about it. 

Last week we left off anticipating the fun weekend he had planned for us!! Well… the day before I got a text that the weekend plans had to be cancelled travel wise but he would still like to make a day of it. After what I feel is the appropriate amount of pouting about being home bound I texted him back excited for his plans for the next day…

Which came with no word from him. I called around noon to no response and counted it as him not wanting to spend the time, or getting hit by a truck. But neither could be confirmed.

Eventually I made my way from the bed and got dressed and started my day. I filled the time with shopping. Using coupons that had been forgotten and then made plans for dinner with friends later that evening when my phone began to alert me to text.

Multiple texts

He had not been hit by a truck and there was no apology in sight. Just excuses eluding to a frustrating week and the offer of hanging out still that evening had I not made additional plans.

“Don’t block him Courtney. Don’t block him. You like him, there may be a reasonable explanation for this. Be open.”

Just the previous day my friend Larry had told me that when I am disappointed that I respond swiftly and vehemently. I denied this observation but had to come to terms with the truth within it when I was so disappointed by the cancellation of our weekend plans that my eyes produced tears.  I gathered myself and called his number

“Be an adult Courtney. Be an adult. Communicate.”

I did just that and he apologized and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. To this day I cannot tell you what made him think it was okay to disregard my time, feelings and ME AS A PERSON…. (relax.. relax) but we came to an understanding that it cannot happen again. That my time has to be considered if I am going to give it.

Cause usually I don’t.

We made it past our first disagreement and all seems well. I enjoy the quality time that we spend together. When he slips and calls me ‘baby’ it doesn’t make me upset and I don’t immediately correct him reminding that my name is Courtney… Paige.

All that to say that I don’t think he likes me.. or at least knows how to show it so that I understand.

One night after dance he walked me to my car. Quickly made his way to his car and disappeared. Being haughty yet hood I am fully capable of taking care of myself if there was an issue, but even my girlfriends make sure that we all pull out together and I reminded myself to ask if I was abnormal.

I asked him how often he’d like to communicate as I can get very busy and wanted to assure him that I am willing to add him to my time. See those words of affirmation. See the prioritization. He specified that he’d like to communicate at the very minimum of once a day so I try and stick to it.

He may skip a day or two…

Nights after we leave a location and drive to our separate spaces he doesn’t check to make sure I made it home. That matters to me. I’ve told him before.

He attended a company event and my co hearts thought he was great. They enjoyed his personality just as I do and even the meanest of them enjoyed his presence.

Though his words are confirming and his touch soothing, his actions in the very small things that cost nothing are telling of a man who just isn’t interested so I am taking precautions to make sure my heart is not involved.

Only I allow myself permission to break it.

Is it just my luck to finally like someone and they not return the sentiments wholly or are these growing pains to something bigger?

All I know is that I am still here.

Swiping on these potential serial killers.

Starring Courtny

 

 

 

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